


Loveshine

by Kabella



Series: Endurance [8]
Category: Mötley Crüe, The Dirt (2019)
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Love, M/M, Meant To Be, Mild Smut, Shine, Terrorcest - Freeform, baby girl - Freeform, bachelor pad, bland, numb, programmed, puppet, scared
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-20
Updated: 2020-05-20
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:08:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,667
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24280333
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kabella/pseuds/Kabella
Summary: It's been a week since that chance meeting. A lot can change in a week. Nikki feels purpose. Tommy feels relief. What's next?
Relationships: Tommy Lee/Nikki Sixx
Series: Endurance [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1902748
Comments: 3
Kudos: 17





	Loveshine

**Author's Note:**

> A follow up to my Driftaway one shot. So it's a double shot. I think I got a third coming down the line. Then back to my originally scheduled project.
> 
> *I wrote pretty quickly. I hope it's not too clunky.

**Loveshine**

_*A follow up to Driftaway_

**March 2001**

  
  


It’s been a week since Tommy and Nikki have reconnected. To say that it’s been an emotional week would be an understatement. The pair met up on two more occasions. It’s all they could manage between their families and their careers. Phone calls seem distant and inappropriate at this time. What they have is far too deep and profound to chalk up to a phone conversation. Neither can take the chance of being misunderstood with body language and facial expression being absent; not to mention the absence of the undeniable magnetic force that’s always drawn them together. A quick call to set up a meeting is all that the phone was good for. 

There’s been a lot of talking, a lot of holding, and a lot of tears; a bucketful. And a few moments of anger and despair, as well. They’re meeting up again today.

Nikki **is** fragile. God, he’s terrified. Yet, at the same time he’s been able to enjoy simple things again, like a true smile; the tell tale boost of oxytocin and endorphins buzzing around his head and body makes him know the pat motions have turned back into “e”motions; warm and gratifying ones. He’s been able to wake up in the morning and feel his inner spirit urging him to rise and shine. _Shine._ Something that just wasn’t a possibility until this week. A dark cloud has enveloped him for the past two years; concealing Nikki’s radiance. The thing that used to draw people to him. The thing that quickened his spirit.

Before this week, all things used to be dull and numb. Nikki wakes up, his wife asleep next to him. Just a sleeping body. Just someone who maybe loves him or used to love him. The floor under his feet when he gets out of bed is hard. The baby cries. He’s programmed to go find out what it is she needs. The moment his heart starts to melt at the sight of her, he reminds himself that he’s nothing but a loser, and can only wonder if she’ll ever be able to love him back. But he’ll fulfill her needs. It’s time for breakfast. Same thing almost every day. It’s bland and boring. The coffee is bitter. The whiskey makes it better. He’s careful not to have too much, at least not until the child’s mother arises. Earlier, she gets the other children off to school on most days. She’s worn out. Not enough help from Nikki. She lies back down. She’ll let him know when she wakes how tired she is. She’ll make sure that he knows. He’ll hear her, but it won’t matter what he says or does to try to be better. It won’t matter to her, nor to himself. All he cares, is that she’s up, and now it’s bottom’s up for him.

The day wears on. A shower, only to get clean. A song written, just to keep busy. A visit to the strip club to be temporarily tantalized. A few shots thrown back for a numbing effect, as the morning whiskey wears away. The day continues on and on and on. Every day. The weather feels the same. The air smells the same. The music sounds the same. The strippers look the same. The paychecks come in, and they’re spent just the same. The children bicker and play the same, everyday. Nikki’s there in body. He’s programmed to just get it all done, then smile and wave. Keep up the appearances. But it’s all just motions. He died when Tommy stabbed him in the heart 2 years ago. 

Nikki thinks it quite amazing that he’s even made it this far, without too much notice that something is wrong. His friends and colleagues don’t notice, because frankly, they don’t care. Everybody is self-absorbed and out for their own gain. The band? They’re all stressed. Randy is very ill. Sales are flat. Concerts are being cancelled. But hey, his kids are alive and thriving. He must be doing something right in that department, or maybe it’s just Donna picking up the slack. The wife, well, she’s noticed. Some of it was Lisa, Nikki's little sister that he never got to know. She died before he even got to tell her that he loved her. It brought him to his knees. It changed him. Another life lost that he missed out on. Donna tried to comfort him, and he thanked her by cheating on her. Even if he didn’t cheat on her, things would still be rocky. He loves her, but it’s with a damaged heart. From his uncaring mom and dad who never wanted him. From missing out on Nona and Lisa; gone before he could assure them that they were loved. From Tommy; enough said. Donna thinks it’s the drugs. Yeah, it’s probably those too. When times were tough, the drugs got him through. It was time to bring them back into his pathetic life. He needed support from something after all. Something that would give him the courage to even get up out of bed. And something that numbed his feelings. That was most important. 

But when Nikki wakes up today, as with the past 6 days. The storm cloud has moved on. The fog has lifted. The sun is shining. He starts to notice things again that were just objects a week ago; like a sunbeam streaming through a crystal vase in their bedroom, casting a vibrant rainbow on the wall behind it. That probably was there every morning. He’s never noticed. He feels the creases in the warm wooden slats beneath his feet, as he drops them to the floor. The baby cries. As he rushes in to pick her up from her crib, he sees his own reflection in her adoring eyes, and a softening in her cry as she’s comforted in her daddy’s arms. Nikki sits in the rocking chair, tearing up, holding the fussy baby girl, wondering if maybe she cries just so she can spend time with him. Maybe that’s what she wants. That’s where he spends his morning, until his wife gets up. She takes the baby from him; asking why she hasn't been given a bottle yet? Right, that’s what he was programmed to do, but he did something different. Something heart driven; for the first time in a long time. 

Nikki knows exactly what it is, what’s brought shine and spirit back into his life. It’s Tommy. This week has been one hell of a ride. Healing and horrific all at the same time. Tommy’s hands, his touch, his warmth, his voice, his scent…. It’s always been Nikki’s security blanket. But the pain that came along side this, has been nothing short of excruciating. Revisiting the night the drummer left and walked away. Hearing all about Tommy’s own pain and suffering. God, what happened to him? What happened inside that place to make his happy and lively boy want to end his life. Oh god. He can’t think about that. If Nikki was hell, Tommy was heaven. If Nikki was pouring rain, Tommy was sunshine. If Nikki was death, Tommy was life. So, he cannot understand how Tommy ended up in the dark place that the bassist called home for so long. He made sure to deadbolt the door to that deep cavern, as to never allow Tommy to even visit; a place of melancholy, anguish, loathing, and obscurity. Tommy didn’t have any business going there. Nikki knew it would break him, maybe even kill him if he ever got past that door. Yet, somehow he got in. He did break, and death was beckoning him. 

Why didn’t he let Nikki help him. He’s been there. He knew the passage to get out; the escape route. Why did Tommy shut the door on him instead. And so, that brings him to the issue of trust. It has nothing to do with fidelity, sneaky behavior, or backstabbing. It only has to do with heartbreak. If he did it once, what’s to say he won’t do it again. Nikki knows he won’t get through it again. Yet, he also knows that if the gift lies before him, he has to at least try. The chance to be what they once were is worth everything, even at the risk of his own life. A life that now has feeling again. It will all be worth it to try. He can’t step away at this point, retreating to bland safety, because he’s now remembering how good life can feel. He’s tasted that sweet reward. He wants to live again.

Tommy has, so far, given him every reason to put trust back in him. Apologizing, crying, shaking, and holding. He’s let Nikki berate him and speak his mind without him raising his voice in response, making excuses, or getting defensive. He’s been taking everything that Nikki’s been dishing out. The bassist thinks it’s time to back off, and move forward. He believes that if he keeps on, he might be the one to crush Tommy’s spirit; maybe for good. Nikki knows that Tommy is taking every lashing and ever scourge for the sake of love.

Nikki senses that his wife has noticed his recent change in behavior. He’s been calmer, happier, more alert, more apt to be present and helpful. He’s laughed and he’s smiled. It should be a good thing to notice; only she’ll think it because he’s cheating again. He’s got someone on the side who’s making him tick. It’s not simple. It’s never been simple like that. While in a sense that’s true, Nikki has never viewed his relationship with Tommy as cheating. It’s just a matter of fact. It’s how it is. Tommy was there before either of Nikki’s wives. For Nikki, it was just a part of his being. A natural extension of himself. His counterpart, who fills him his gaps and weak spots. He knows Tommy feels the same way. Not that Donna would see it as such. Nikki does love her. He does want to work things out. He doesn’t want to hurt her, the mother of his newborn baby girl. He hopes to figure it out, but right now, his soul is groaning for its mate; the only one who renders him complete. Nikki is going over to Tommy’s around noon. In the meantime, he only wants to bond with his daughter; as he sits and lays the baby across his chest. They’re hearts beating next to each other.

\-------------------

Tommy lies awake in his bed, on this first day of spring. He’s mildly giddy, and highly anxious. Nikki is coming over around 12. It was made pretty clear by both parties that they may re-consummate their relationship today. Relationship. He hopes. Tommy is ready. He didn’t know he was until he accidentally bumped into Nikki a week ago. His heart leapt, an immediate rush of every chemical in his body surging like a tidal wave within. Standing behind him at the door, that close, every hair on his body electrified, telling him that he was ready, and that he needed this man back in his life. 

But to fix that mistake. No, it wasn’t just a mistake, it was criminal, cruel, and vicious. How could he have hurt his love like that? How could anyone be so inhumane to hurt this person who only ever wanted to be loved by someone. Leave it to Tommy Lee. Always fucking up. Every relationship he’s ever had ended up as a burning pile of rubble. Is it him or is it them? 

He thinks about his 3 loves. There was Heather, now happily married and raising a daughter with her rock star husband. Maybe if Tommy didn’t fuck things up with that he’d be living a relatively calm and happy life. He’s moved on, but maybe he should have stayed with the girl next door type. 

Instead, he was drawn in by the personification of sex, wife number 2. God, she stunning; his tongue rolling out like a cartoon character wolf every time he lays on her. He thought it was love, but now he’s not sure. She’s got him by the strings. He’s been reduced to a puppet, controlled by her whims. She ignores him while in jail, spends time with someone else, then when he’s released, she loves him again. Then she doesn’t. But then…. Hey, let’s have dinner together as a family, darling. Then the next day he’s served with court papers; her seeking full custody of the boys. Now let’s hold hands and snuggle, but tomorrow I’m going to report you to the parole board for having a drink. Why does he give her this power? Why does he keep falling for her sick and twisted games? This isn’t love, not at all. It’s merely a sport; like hunting. Get him in your sight, lure him in, feed him the good stuff, then bang…. A shot to the head.

Then there’s Nikki. The one who walked away quietly and left him alone. No games, No smearing. No retaliation. No strings. All because it was love, and love doesn’t strike back to hurt the other. Love turns the other cheek. He took his rejection, then simply waved his white flag, and disappeared. No phone calls. No threats. No nothing. Gone, just like that. For months Tommy waited for that phone call. 

When they used to argue, Nikki would start lurking around, like a lost puppy dog, waiting for a bone to be thrown to him. When it was tossed out, he’d snatch it up, and bring it back, tail wagging, lapping at his feet, waiting for the signal that says, I want you. But that call never came. This wasn’t just an argument. Nikki must have seen something fucked in Tommy that night. Like some sort of demonic creature that scared the hell out of him. Nikki knew this wasn’t just an argument. It was the end. Leaving him wounded him so deeply. And Tommy could never initiate that phone call himself. He didn’t deserve Nikki anymore. And he was afraid. 

He somehow managed to eventually claw his way out of the pit of hell, existing now in a state of purgatory. Neither here nor there. Neither good, nor bad. Just adapting to whatever came his way, whether subjected to his ex-wife’s puppet strings or subjected to public criticism. He’s gotten used to it. It’s not a fun place, but he has his boys at least. His only thing that keeps him from slipping back down in the pit. This is why he couldn’t bring himself to contact Nikki. If Nikki refused him, he’d slip back down, leaving his kids behind. And if he caught sight of Nikki’s hidden pain, that would have put him back in the pit, as well. Tommy’s seen Nikki in interviews on TV and in magazines with his smile and swag. But those eyes have been dimmed. Tommy can see right through his tough-as-nails facade. He knows when there’s pain behind those eyes. He’s seen it all too often.

But now, he knows he needs this. Maybe the meeting was meant to be. He and his ex took their son out of his former preschool towards the end of the year, as the other children were ribbing him about his parents. His drunk, loser dad. His fake mom. This new school seemed like a good fit. Both parents, having a good feeling about it. What are the chances that he’d run into Nikki there. He would have figured a strip club or back stage somewhere. No, it was at the most innocent of places, where there were no egos or facades to keep up in front of others. No alcohol coursing through veins to fuel anger. This run-in was meant to be, Tommy tells himself. It’s time to fix things.

Tommy can hardly believe that Nikki is even speaking to him. Yes, there’s been angry words. There’s been raw nerve endings exposed. But it seems once Nikki blurts it out, getting things off his chest and out into the open, he’s extending his arms 2 minutes later, wanting to replace those painful things that have just been released with love and warmth from Tommy’s trembling body. They stay in the hold and embrace, something they both know that they need, and that they never want to be without again. 

The three times that they met up were at Tommy’s house. Safe and private. Today will be the same. Tommy called his ex early this morning to ask what, if anything, she and the boys needed today. Nothing today. She’s going out, and will drop their oldest off at the preschool. She’ll pick him up on the way home. Just tonight. She’ll be out again, and will need to drop the boys off to their dad in the evening. Tommy can’t think of a better way to plan this day. The morning to himself, for a time of reflection. An afternoon with his love, and the evening with his little loves.

Last time Nikki and Tommy met up, there was less pain and anger, and more love and embracing… and kissing. Both got to a point of being hot and bothered. Both seemingly wanting to progress to the next step. Yet both, backing off….. Maybe scared, maybe appearing too eager or too shallow. Maybe it’s too soon. Sex was always a major part of their relationship. Never boring. Always exciting. Never enough of each other; each sending the other to a place like no else ever has. No other word to describe it, other than amazing. Tommy has been grieving the loss of that since the day he walked away from Nikki. No other person has ever been close to satisfying Tommy the way that Nikki did. That’s not to say that he hasn’t had good and hot sex with his wife, but with that, it was always a means to enjoy, get off, and release. With Nikki it wasn’t just the means that mattered, it was also the end that mattered more; a complete expression of love, resulting in a peace within, knowing he’s loved back. No matter how wild, crazy, or silly Tommy and Nikki got under the sheets, the end result was not only the satisfaction of an earth shattering orgasm, but the satisfaction of knowing that love was also an action.

Tommy was nervous this morning, pacing around. Drumming his fingers on everything. Staring out the window. Mindlessly cleaning up a mess of papers, depositing them in some location; only to return to the same pile, and move it around to some other place. He’ll eventually forget where he put those papers when he needs them. Maybe he should clean up the studio. Perhaps Nikki will ask to see it today. Or maybe not. Not today. Maybe it will instead be what Tommy’s been aching for. Would Nikki wind up going for it? Would Tommy appear too abrasive and heartless in his endeavor? He promised himself not to go there if he sensed any trepidation or hesitation from Nikki. He’d wait a year if he had to. He wouldn’t like it, but he would, as long as Nikki is where he needs to be in his heart to be ready for it.

\---------------------------------

_Noon -_

Tommy lets Nikki in when he arrives. He’s nervous.

“I couldn’t wait to get here,” Nikki says, with a warm smile.

Tommy bites on his bottom lip. “Yeah? I was keeping myself busy this morning with…. stuff.”

Nikki nods.

“Actually, I wasn’t. I spent the morning staring out the window. I couldn’t wait either,” Tommy reveals, with a playful smile. “Can I get you something? I have leftovers from my take-out last night. We can make it into a lunch.

Nikki knows what he’s here for. He knows what he wants for lunch. He’s been anxious all night and all morning. Dreaming, fantasizing, desiring. Nikki is ready, and he doesn’t want to make small talk anymore. He’s aware that Tommy is treading carefully. He thinks it’s precious how the drummer is trying to pull off this nonchalant, timid act, while he’s pretty certain that Tommy is burning with as much desire as he is. Tommy, usually never one to take it slow; always wanting to just jump into the fast seat to get his motor purring, revving, then racing to the finish line. Nikki has to take the steering wheel on this one.

“Tom, come here,” Nikki says, holding his hand out. Tommy reaches for the extended hand. Nikki pulls him in, placing a kiss on his hand, then onto his lips. Deep and fiery. “Bring me to your bedroom, Tommy.”

Tommy swallows hard, his heart racing, brain melting into a puddle, his other brain taking over the lead. “Ok,” is the only thing he can say, from his trembling lips. He’s never felt so stirred and aroused, as he is now…. not even with their first encounter, years ago. That was fantasy, infatuation, and curiosity. This is healing, devotion, and love.

Tommy leads Nikki up the steps to his bedroom, mentioning that the other 2 rooms are for his kids. Nikki smiles, as he steps in, shutting the door behind him. He looks around, noticing a very Tommy Lee inspired room. Cutting edge gadgets and technology, with a good smattering of music related paraphernalia on display. No hint of a woman’s touch. It’s all for Tommy, and maybe if things continue to go right, for Nikki too. The bassist throws his jacket off onto a chair. He takes notice of a necklace hanging off of the dresser mirror. “Is this mine?” Nikki asks, holding the amulet of the necklace in his palm. 

Tommy feels flush, tears rushing to the rims of his eyes. He nods his head. He’s trying to say that Nikki left it behind, but he can’t formulate words. It’s been one of the reminders of Nikki that Tommy keeps around and visible; often clutched in his hand for security when he feels lonely in bed.

Tommy doesn’t have to say anything. Nikki knows. He has his own keepsakes of the past. He takes Tommy in his arms again, and comforts him with gentle kissing. Nikki backs away and throws his shirt off. Tommy is frozen, mesmerized by Nikki’s tattoos. It’s been so long since he’s seen them. There’s been more added to the already impressive collection. Tommy can close his eyes, and trace the lines of Nikki’s older tattoos perfectly. He knows exactly where they are, having studied them intently. Often while Nikki slept and Tommy remained awake, wired, he’d run his fingers along the bassist’s contours and designs; it was therapeutic. Tommy has woken him up doing that, on more than one occasion. Nikki would often make his freshly alerted state worthwhile, allowing the drummer to place his roving fingers elsewhere on his body.

“Tommy,” Nikki says, taking the sides of his head in his hands. “It’s OK. I want this,” Nikki assures the drummer, sensing his hesitation. 

Tommy nods, then removes his own shirt. Nikki now having the same reaction, seeing Tommy’s body of artwork. He places his hands on the sides of the drummer’s ribs, and runs his hands down to his waistline, pulling him in again for an embrace; skin to skin contact. Tommy is undone already, savoring every brush against Nikki’s muscled torso.

Nikki steps back, and unfastens his own pants, forcing them down himself, sensing that Tommy is too rapt to do it. Tommy bites his lip and stares at what’s before him, a stuttering in his breathing, glassy eyes, that want to weep at the sight that’s overwhelming him, feeling undeserving. Nikki backs himself up onto the bed.

Tommy tries to pull himself together. He unfastens and takes down his own pants, and moves towards the bed. Nikki bends his knees and spreads his legs apart. Tommy kneels on the bed before Nikki, and starts to pant himself into a near breakdown, as he touches Nikki’s thighs. 

“Nikki…,” Tommy gasps. “I… I… oh god. I don’t want you to think that this is all I want. I don’t deserve---”

Nikki interrupts, “I don’t think that. I want this. I know you do too. It’s OK. I want you to want me. Please don’t keep me waiting.”

Tommy nods, and reaches across the bed to his night stand for lubricant. He applies it to himself. “Nik, it’s been a long time. Do you need me to--”

“No. I’ve done a lot of dreaming about you. I’ve tried to take care of things myself. I kind of suck at it, but I’ve never given up on trying to recapture that feeling.”

“Me too, Sixx,” Tommy says, dancing his fingers along Nikki’s creases. He positions himself to finally push in, drawing in a deep breath. “Oh my god, Nikki…. “ Tommy wails.

\---------------------

Tommy lies next to Nikki in bed; the bassist on his back, and the drummer on his side, an arm wrapped firmly around Nikki’s torso, one leg overlaid on top of his legs, and his head nestled into Nikki’s neck.

“Thank you, Nikki.”

Nikki doesn’t generally like when Tommy thanks him for something that’s natural and a given, but he understands this time. As much as the act itself was natural and raw, getting there was anything but. He doesn’t reply with words, but strokes the drummer’s hair, with his arm that Tommy is propped up on.

“I’ve never really associated sex with love. I mean they can often go hand in hand, depending who you’re with, but what we did was a pure act of the love that I have for you. It was so much more than sex,” Tommy reveals, softly.

“You remembered everything that I like,” Nikki says, a smile curling up on his lips.

“Are you kidding? I haven’t forgotten a thing about you. It’s ingrained within me.”

“Are you ready, Tommy?”

“Ready for what?” Tommy asks, his heart beating faster.

“For us,” Nikki says, taking Tommy’s outstretched hand in his own.

“It’s all I want. I want that second chance. Oh god, Nikki. I promise I will love you until the day I die, and then I’ll still love you. I need your healing. I need you. God, I need you.”

“It’s what I want too. I’ve never stopped wanting it. And I need your healing too,” Nikki says in return.

Nikki can feel Tommy smiling into his neck, and squeezes his hand in response.

“Nik?”

“Yeah?”

“I’ve been thinking. And please don’t take this the wrong way. I don’t mean it as anything suggestive or unkind, because ultimately, I only want what’s best for you. But, it’s just what I dream about.”

Nikki repositions himself, titling on his side somewhat to face Tommy, propped up by his elbow, a little concerned about what’s about to come out of Tommy’s mouth.

“See, I was thinking that if you wind up not being able to reconcile with your wife, that um, well you and I could…. Oh shit… what I want Nikki, is to take you by your hand and walk out my front door, never letting go. I want to come out with you. I want to let my love for you shine bright. And well, if we get criticized we’ll just find a nice place to live, somewhere off the beaten path, and have room for our kids when we get our days…. I know. I know… it’s crazy, but I just--”

Nikki props himself up even further, hovering over Tommy. He leans down and connects with the drummer’s lips. He breaks away, then says, “In due time. OK? I got a newborn, and some clean-up to do first.”

Tommy beams, tears starting to fill his eyes again.

“I don’t think that I’ve ever felt more loved than I do right now. I love you too, Tommy.”

  
  
  



End file.
